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Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
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3rd March, 2007
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I'm sorry I havent posted in a while, things have been hectic. On Valentines day I totaled my car and am still feeling the lingering effects of the crash. My car was struck on the passenger side and spun twice. If it had slide another two feet it would have hit the ditch, flipped, and I would be dead. Now I have no car. Two of the pillars in my life, Meagan and Shadow, ended up not being quite what I thought they were. That betrayal broke my heart. I really did love Meagan.
Shade called me, telling me that he was sick, in the hospital again and wanted to see me. I didn't go to see him then and I'm still undecided if I ever will. Part of me needs to see him, needs the closure and to face it all down. Part of me wants to leave all of that far behind, to forget his face, and to move on with my life. Part of me cares about Johnathan, part of me despises Shade. Its hard sometimes to tell which part is strongest. I'm worried about him, to say the least. If something horrible happens to him and I never get a chance to forgive him, it will kill me inside. But on the other hand, a part of me doesnt think he deserves the forgivness. If you read this Johnathan, know that even if I never set eyes on your face again, if you are truly sorry, then I truly forgive you.
To top it all off, I can barely type right now. I caught my hand in a machine at work and tore the tip of my right middle finger off. I bled out over a pint before the bleding finally stopped. It looks sickening and if I unbandage it then it starts to bleed again.
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| Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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14th February, 2007
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It doesn't really surprise me that I havent been getting comments on my entries. I wonder sometimes why I bother to write them at all, I don't really think anyone cares what I have to say. But I still figure that I should let you guys know. I had a psychitirst appointment yesterday, I told her about my blackouts and showed her the most recent scars. She ordered me to go to a class. I told her about the depression I've been having so badly, she gave me another pill. At this point I feel drugged up beyond reason. Dizzy spells, blurred thoughts, and none of it making me any less depressed. It's Valentine's day and one would think I'd be happy, but no. He's gone to work all day, we have no money to go out, and I doubt I'll get a kind word from him all evening. Oh well, just pop another pill and try to let the meds make everything go away.
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| Thursday, February 8th, 2007
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8th February, 2007
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Too trying of a time. Thrown out because of Scott's foolishness, unable to see my sister. A trama it seems, with my disorder. Problems with love, with family, with the law. And a haphazardous slice up the vain of my left arm, dotted over with two dozen other fresh cuts. My therapist is frantic at this point, my psychitrist ready to medicate me to sedation. I wish that a glance around me would see my friends by my side, with comforting words. But no... no friends. I once wondered what the differance in friends and homies were. Now I know. Friends drift away, homies stick like glue, full of comforting words and amusing threats. But those few homies arn't always there,or always enough. My disorders make me feel insane and I cant count the number of times death has crossed my mind. But I hold on to this life tightly, hoping to find the light in the darkness. More prozac, more seraquil, soon to be Lithium only mask the pain. However, Meagan's soft worried eyes melt my heart and the occasional worried half-hearted smile from Frank's lips, knowing it's only to comfort me, cures the pain for just a few precious moments. Both of them are wasting away in their own problems but we hold eachother up. Frank bandages my wounds and Meagan holds me when I cry. Hovering above it all is Shadow, my mentor in magic and in life, we do our best to advise eachother. I'm trying so hard to make my life work, but its harder than I ever thought.
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| Saturday, January 27th, 2007
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27th January, 2007
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Things have been so strange. My dreams have been plauged with wolves and a beautiful raven that whispers to me the most convincing lies to turn me away from the wolves I fly beside. My gifts in divination are growning with the help of a man named Shadow. Not a kid, a 28 year old man with much experiance in the arts. But as often as I go to him for advice, he comes to me for me to read his cards and such.
Frank and I got into an altrication that may have been worse than any other. This verged on physical violence. There was a lot of screaming, I swung at him and was thrown to the ground. But we both ran away from the fight and all is well now, after I assured him that in no way did he hurt me. He was terrified that he might have.
My brother, Crow, is gone. He's been locked away in boot camp again and I have very limited contact with this boy that I love so much. He was just starting to come into my life again, reminding us both that no matter how brothers and sisters fight, they are ALWAYS there for one another. Now he's gone until he's 18. But as soon as he is, I hope for the family that we left Florida to create. Crow, Frank, and myself. This time with Jake included.
I'm getting thrown out of my house. I have about a month to find somewhere to go. That isnt as easy as it should be. We are trying to find a cheap apartment, Jake is going to move in with us to help with the bills. But right now we have nothing. We have to get the money to make the down payment on the apartment and utilities, buy furniture and everything else a house needs. Life is hard, but we'll make it.
I tried to go see Jennifer recently, but her father has decided he hates me and I was rudely ushered from the house. I would like to retrieve some of my things from her but cannot get in contact with her. Jennifer- my number is 458-8065 call me and you can meet me somewhere with my things. I will not go near your house. If you have decided that you want nothing else to do with me, then that's fine. Let me get my things and you wont hear from me again. I think it is ridiculous to ruin a long friendship because you disagree with someone's choice to live their life the way they want but so be it. All I want is my clothes and then I'll leave you alone.
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| Monday, January 15th, 2007
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15th January, 2007
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So I spent two nights in jail. And it was easily the most frightening experiance of my life. Anyone who says county jail is nothing obviously has never been in the womens part of it. After everything I have done wrong in my life I got picked up for shoplifting at walmart. The two nights scared me to death. Scared Frank too. He and a couple of my homies franticly tried to get the money to bail me out, but to no avail. Luckily I went to first apperance and the judge gave me PTR (pre-trial release). I have court April 3rd. I'll plead whatever they tell me to so that I dont have to go back to jail. Probation will suck but jail is HELL.
In better news, I got a new girlfriend. Her name is Megan, she is blonde, little, cute and smart. She's really a great girl and Frank adores her too. Frank and I are getting along better than ever and I started having contact with my bubba Crow again. (At least until this week when we lost him cause he's hiding out from some people and we dont know where he went). I've got some new tattoos. And life seems the be going pretty well. I'm working at the News Journal and Frank is working construction and slinging so maybe we will have a place of our own soon. Life is getting slowly better, my meds are slowly taking affect and my rank in the Pack is slowly growing. I dont know whether I've told you guys about the Wolf Pack or not but I wear the brands and the tat and I would die for the Pack and it's men and women. Well, I'm at the library with Frank and Megan and they are anxious to go so I guess that's all I have to say for now.
PS- Dont ever get arrested. It is seriously not as fun as I thought it would be.
current mood:  cheerful
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| Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
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2nd January, 2007
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What an eventful week. New Years was nice, I got to spend some time with old friends. Kyra and Micheal, I love you both. Time to drink, have fun, relax. But this new year is already turning out to be something strange. One of my friends and brother is dead. What hurts most is that it wasn't accidental. It all seems to be a set up by someone else that I know. Death is hard to handle but murder? Yeah, my mind just cant wrap around that. On top of that I find out that another friend has Hep C and only 4 years to live. Fucking crazy. I'm worried about him, but what can be done? Lately there has been near fights, people deciding what side of everything they are on, and more drama than broadway. But, in happier news, I got a new tattoo. Frank did it, it was a pick and poke and it HURT. But my upper arm now says Wolf Pack in red and black letters. It was worth the pain.
Last night was the first night in awhile I've had without any trouble. We went out to Starbucks and saw a bunch of friends then met up with my brother Steven and his friends to head out to the beach. Lots of fun. Didn't get home until about 4am. I havent been out to party like that in a while.
I'm looking for a job right now, got fired from IHOP. I hopefully have one at the News Journal if I passed my drug test (my hopes arn't high about that though). I blame Frank. It's always his friends that want to get me high. Nothing else going on really, I'm still in shock about my two friends but I guess things happen for a reason, even if you dont understand them. Like I've said in every entry before this, call me sometime. I miss all my old friends.
current mood:  exhausted
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| Saturday, December 30th, 2006
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30th December, 2006
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I haven't updated in quite a while. So many things, not many that are important. Got fired from my job, over some bullshit. Looking for a new job. Anyone know anywhere that is hiring? Had a good Christmas. Spent a lot of it with Frank's family. They are so much like my family now. I got an ICP hat from my sister. A cameo pin from Kim that almost made me cry, she got it for me because she knew I lost my cameo when my grandma threw my things away. I got the Omen movie from Frank and some really sexy barely there lingerie. Overall a good holiday. It was kind of upseting when I tried to call home and was hung up on. But I got over it. I have a whole other family now, complete with a new Momma (Frank's crazy mom) and the brothers and sister I never had. Not much else going on in my life. Nothing exciting or new.
current mood:  bored
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| Friday, December 1st, 2006
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1st December, 2006
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I had almost forgotten how exciting life could be. Excitement is what attracts me to men like Frank in the first place. Interesting events have been taking place to say the least. Example: hotel party, people freaking out, and having a knife pulled on me by a drug dealer. Fun to me, I love that sort of excitement. Frank however, pissed off would be a gross understatement. It was almost sweet that he jumped to protect me but I dont think I need protection.
On another note entirely, I finally broke down and went to Lakeview. Now I'm on Prozac and Seraquil. I have to go to 4 group meetings a week: coping with depressions, coping with anixiety, learning about bipolarism, and self-awareness for woman. Not sure why I need that last one. My psychological profile says: severely depressed, acute anxiety, passive thoughts of death, violance to self and boyfriend, and obsessive delusions and paranoia. However, I dont think I have delusions or paranoia, that's one of Frank's inventions. I consider myself justified, whether I have evidence or not. I have to go back to the psyciatrist in January so they can diagnose me bi-polar. The Prozac is supposed to keep me from being upset all the time and the Seraquil is supposed to be a mood stabalizer and keep me from pulling another weapon on Frank. Oh well, he says he's not scared of me so obviously he's not too worried about my "passive thoughts of hurting him" or the not so passive ones.
So I haven't heard from almost anyone lately. I miss people. Someone call me or something. I miss my friends. I mean, hanging out with Franks friends is exciting but I miss you guys. Especially you KYRA! Call me or something or I will hurt you!
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| Saturday, November 25th, 2006
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25th November, 2006
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I cant even begin to explain how wonderful the past few days have been. I'm feeling so much better. Frank and I are getting along wonderfully, for the most part. The argueing has pretty much ceased (for now, and hopefully for a long time). I had my winterfest preformance last night, it was fun. For everyone interested, the winterfest Trolleys start in Plaza Ferdinand around 5:30 and take a long tour through downtown pensacola with various acts and shows. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future. Everything just seems to be going right. It's been a while since I've been this happy. I know that everyone thinks I'm making some stupid decisions right now, but everyone deserves a second chance. If I hadn't given our relationship this second chance I would have regreted it for the rest of my life. A couple of you know how real love feels (Kyra and Micheal, Jennifer and Rigel, etc.). Can you honestly say that you wouldn't have given your love a second chance if something had happened? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with Frank and I, everything we have been through was worth it. Despite the argueing, problems, and pain the happy times more than make up for all of it.
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| Monday, November 20th, 2006
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20th November, 2006
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I see no need to explain myself, or to explain him to everyone. Suffice it to say that Frank and I have finally talked. It took no more than a moment in his presense to make me realize that there was no way that I could ever turn him away completely. But those of you close to me must have known that. I simply love him more than is healthy for me. But mistakes were made on all parts, mine and his. And, as with any well known individual, rumors ran rampant. Unfortunatly, I believed all of these rumors. Most of which have already been disproved to me. And not by his word alone, don't think I'm that stupid. But what was said and done between us, my anger and distrust, his unwillingness to talk about anything, all of that which led to our breakup is in the past. We are trying to move beyond of all that. I suppose the point of all this is to say that, against all advice (though I know all of your advice was with the best intentions) I took him back, we forgave each other, and are hoping to move past this trama and let it stregthen our relationship. We've both learned lessons. I, for one, couldn't be happier.
current mood: ecstatic
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| Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
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14th November, 2006
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Frank and I are over. Completely. Fuck him and what he did. He disappeared while I was at work, took all his shit and left. When I found out where he went it turns out he went back to Crystal, the psycho bitch,cause now the whore is claiming shes pregnant with his kid, but there is no way it is his. He's fucking dumb. She not far enough along for it to be his, because of how long we were in missouri. I'll let him figure that out. I'm through trying to help him get his life together and I hope he goes back to jail because without me he has no way to his ptr meetings and court. PLus all the drtugs in that house, with Crystal and John on meth and heroin and every thing else. Fuck him, fuck men, I'm over people. No one in the world is worth trusting.
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| Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
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29th August, 2006
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Over. Already. All the wonderful things are over. He went back to Crystal. And the last day has been insane. Full of screaming, crying, lying, hurting, punching walls, seeing his friends side with me because they said what he was doing was wrong. It's not even that he left, it's how he acted, how he treated me. It's not right, not fair. All she did was hurt him. I look at her and I see her lies, so do all of his home boys. Even Kenny stood up to him. I never intended to see him again but now I will have to.
They almost sent my baby boy, Crow, to jail. So I snuck out of my house and took him to hide him. He cant handle jail, he isn't cut out of it. And all of his stress related medical problems (like bleeding ulsers) would make sure if I saw him when he got out it would be in Shangri-la. So I took him to Frank, because thats the only place I could think to take him. After all, he's Franks brother.
What makes all this worse is that Crow really likes me. But I can't look at that sweet little boy in any other way than as a baby brother. It feels like Im turning away from heaven because I love hell so much.
And I still feel like dying. Maybe I'll see ya'll in Shangri-la one day.
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| Friday, April 21st, 2006
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21st April, 2006
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So... first update in a long time. Life is hell. Seriously, hell. The show opens tonight and we are not ready, I'm not ready, and for the first time as an actress I'm nervous about going up. I've missed so much school work and my grades are slipping. Graduation soon and I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I know what I want to do, but it's unrealistic. I know what I should do, but I don't know if I can live with myself if I dont chase my dreams. I know what my family wants me to do, but I'll hate my life if I do it.
Also making my life hell right now is him. I seriously don't know what to do about all of that. I just want us to be friends again, just want to put the ackward things that happened behind us. I broke down and cried yesterday because of the way he acts with me now. I've given up the dream I had of him and now I just want us to be friends again. But he's so quiet and hesitant to talk about things, I'm afriad if I try to talk to him about it I'll only make it worse. -sigh- Everyone tells me just to talk to him, and that would work with most people, but not with him. So I dont know what to do.
current mood:  cranky
current music: Cradle to Enslave- Cradle of Filth
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| Monday, February 27th, 2006
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27th February, 2006
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I got a fox tail!
I'm going to wear it to school!
It looks soo cute on me.
((I swear I'm not a furry!))
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| Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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21st April, 2005 - For all my Encore buddies
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| Saturday, December 25th, 2004
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25th December, 2004
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| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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15th December, 2004 - I just realized that I need to do this...
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| Sunday, December 5th, 2004
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5th December, 2004
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I hate my family, I hate my life. I wonder how much begging it would take to get Shade to take me away from here. I know he says I should stay and get an education so that I dont ruin my life but he and I have a very different view on life. He sees life as a stable job and house, I see life as excitement and doing whatever I want and dying without being able to say I never lived. How am I ever going to change the world sitting here in Pensacola having my strength broken by an abusive psychotic family?
current mood: angry
current music: Dominations- Theatres Des Vampires
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| Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
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23rd November, 2004
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| Sunday, November 21st, 2004
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21st November, 2004
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went ballroom danceing tonight. Me, Shade, Jennifer, Jessica, Damon, Rigel, and the breezers. I was happy to see Rigel again. I've missed him. And Jennifer was the happiest I had seen her in a long time. There was surprisingly little drama. I got into an argument with Shade though, our first one. It was over nothing really. Just both of us overreacting to stupid things. I blame my hormone levels. I'm normally much more level headed. He walked away and I walked inside. I went outside to apologize and he wasnt there. It took me a while to find him and that upset me more than the agrguement. But when he came back we talked and then everything was better, we promised never to fight about stupid shit again. He really enjoyed danceing, and has promised to start coming to ballroom with me more often. Like me, he likes ballroom much better than swing. I like swing but ballroom is more fun, more formal, and more structured. I am being forced to go to my mom's this weekend cause she was sick this weekend and I didnt have to go. well, I have to go to bed... school tomorrow. blah
--- Starr Emry
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